"I won't, let you lock me down,
I won't, let you push me 'round.
I won't, let you stop me now,
I won't, cause I came too far."
"I won't let you ruin my day,
I won't let you stop my pain.
I won't, no not today,
I won't cause I came too far"
-Akon.
The past few months have been a roller-coaster of ups and downs. As I sit here hooked up to the liquid cocktail infusion once again, I can't help but feel defeated. Like I lost another little battle, and my lungs won. It's only been about 5 months since my last round of IV's, and in my mind, way to soon to require yet another round of pokes and prods and heavy doses of antibiotics. Sometimes I catch myself wondering why? Why me, and why am I having to deal with this? What did I do to deserve this? Why should anyone have to deal with this? Am I not good enough to deserve a healthy, breathe-easy life?
And as just as quick as those thoughts enter my mind, I force myself to snap of it. The fighter side of me comes out with gloves on, punching back those thoughts, putting them where they belong. That's not to say that I don't have moments of complete mental breakdowns, that I don't cry, that I don't feel completely terrified...because I do have those moments. But I also know what it is going to take to face this raging war, I know that the road ahead is going to be extremely rocky and ever changing. If I am going to have a chance at all, I have to be mentally prepared and emotionally solid. I won't let this disease bring me down, not today and not tomorrow.
I heard the above lyrics today as I was sitting at a stoplight, in 80* sunny skies here in Houston. I had been poked three times this morning to get another IV going and I was running on about 4 hours of sleep (yes, roids are in the picture), but as I heard these lyrics...I couldn't help but smile, take a moment to realize the peacefulness in the moment, and just how fortunate I am. Despite all these ugly annoyances, I have the most important things in life and I realize that. It would be easy to focus on the negatives, to succumb to darkness. But life is so much more than that. It's simple really. One makes a conscious decision with which how they handle life's challenges.
Sure, I wish that this weekend when two of my best girlfriends are coming to visit, I wasn't stuck (literally) with an IV in my arm and a schedule of antibiotics to adhere to. I also wish I didn't look like I have been shooting up with bruises all over my arms, but that is besides the point ;) Instead, I can't wait to see some familiar faces, spend time with my husband and dear friends. I cant wait to share some much needed laughs and even go "rodeo-ing". Even more so, I am so incredibly thankful that I have friends who truly care, friends who don't judge or shy away because of what I am dealing with. Instead, they are there and willing to make a trip to just to hang out and have some fun. As life moves on, so do the people in your life. In a way growing older acts as a filter, and there are friends that stick and others who slip on through. Thankfully I have some pretty solid ... and "sticky" friends joining Bob and I this weekend, and I couldn't be happier :)
Two of the best friends a girl could ask for.
