Merry Christmas Eve

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas Eve and Christmas tomorrow.  May we all be reminded of just how lucky we are to have such amazing family and friends in our lives.  I am simply happy knowing I have this "breath within me" and the support of all my loved ones :)

Twenty Nine, going on...

"Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.  We grow old by deserting our ideals.  Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. "

~Samuel Ullman 

"By the time you are thirty, you will need a lung transplant".  I will never forget those spoken words, words that I imagine only narrowly escaped the lips of a concerned doctor, but left a scar within my mind so deep it still bleeds.  As I celebrated another year of my life, I am so incredibly thankful to have my youth and my health, for all it is.  Birthdays were (and still are) a time of celebration for me, but that celebration has mutated over the past few years into something different than getting tipsy, dancing the night away and waking up with a raging headache and a trash can next to the bed.  It is about much more.  It's a celebration of another year of memories, laughter and experiences.  It's another year to be thankful to have had and a challenge to make the next year even better.  Over the past couple of years, I have had to come to terms with some incredibly challenging circumstances, but with that I have become even more appreciative of each year, each day I am given.  I've been given the opportunity to challenge myself in ways unimaginable both mentally and physically.  I know that the challenges will continue and likely become harder, but I am prepared to make my last year in my twenties better than ever and embrace my thirties with all I have.

Some people fear aging.  I welcome it with open arms.  Screw getting botox for those wrinkles you earned and a face lift that make you look like you are in chronic shock.  What once was, was and what is now, is. I can certainly appreciate the desire to keep a youthful appearance, but we all have to be accountable for some things and not depend on fillers and scalpels to do all the work.  A few fine lines and grey hairs only distinguish a person and give them that personal touch so many wish to have vanish.  I have a different opinion, after being told I might not live into my years of deep wrinkles, depends and dentures.  I say, BRING IT ON!  As each birthday passes, I'm one step closer to hanging with the old folks (which I love all too much by the way) ... "Bingo Babes"...I can see it now :)

In all seriousness, as I approach my last year in my twenties, I only hope that it can be as good as or better than years past.  I hope a year from now I am as healthy or healthier than I am today.  I hope this year is filled with experiences that enrich my soul and challenges that make me stronger.  I pray my body cooperates with me and that I can prove some people wrong in the medical industry.  "You say thirty, doc?"... "I say screw you and your insensitive comment, I'll come knock on your door with my own two hands, on my thirtieth birthday and we'll toast over a bottle of the finest champagne your lips have ever tasted".  Don't tell me my magic number, I run the show here dammit!

As you can see, I can a little rattled when thinking about some of the things I've been told by the drs. It's a numbers game with them, and rightfully so as they base their decisions on previous experiences, studies, etc.  But, I am an independent woman, with the determination and will to fight until the very end, don't they know that?  Don't they know I have been the Ultimate Fighter in this battle my entire life?  There are no limits to what I can or can't do.  I train every single day, multiple times a day against this beast raging inside my airbags. There is no backing down now, the fight is on and will remain on.

A great quote to finish this blog, written by someone who we all know has had his share of health problems, and has rallied back with admirable strength:

"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell"

-Lance Armstrong

And to my biggest supporters.... I my friends, will Fight Like Hell, the "Rebs Way"!!

Another Tough Visit - Houston

As the title suggests, Bob and I had our first visit with a new lung specialist down here in Houston. She was really great, and I think she'll be a great resource for me down here.  I just can't let go of my Chicago doctor, as she has really been magnificent. So for the time being, I will be seeing both.

Anyhow, with this new doc, came some tough discussions, tough concepts and a lot of heartache.  Nothing new was said, in fact it was as though a year ago in October was played all over again, just in Houston with a new doc. Last October 2010, Bob and I had a huge dose of reality injected into our lives when my doc talked to me about transplants, children, my lifeline, my fate.

This past visit proved to be much the same, the doctor being different. Discussions were hard.  I don't know if I can describe how it feels to hear a medical professional, someone who has seen it a million and five times, say with regards to a lung transplant, "it's not a matter of if, but when".  With regards to children, I was told that if I were to become pregnant, it would be "life-threatening". She firmly nodded her head with agreement that this is the typical path as Bob told her how it seems like I need more treatments daily and how I can't do much in the morning until I have all my therapy done.  She advised me that if possible, I should not work and focus on taking care of myself and enjoy being as healthy as I am today, for one day there will come a time when I will have trouble taking care of myself.  How is a 28 year old, who longs for that storybook tale of being an old, wrinkly grandma beside her best friend, the old and wrinkly husband to deal with all of this?  So far, it's been a lot of tears, some anger, some resentment towards this ugly beast inside of me, and some feelings of rebellion.  Following these mix of emotions comes determination and the willing spirit to fight till the very end. The passion to share my story and help others along the way.  Then courage creeps in slowly and I begin to feel a little better, until I see that cute little family with the dogs, the little newborn and health, and I begin to feel all these emotions again and before I know it I am having to hide my tears.

To say it's hard is an understatement. I am an emotional wreck at times and a strong willed woman at other times.  Not once as a teenager playing competitive soccer, would I have ever imagined that only 10 years later I would be sitting in a cold, sterile doctors room hearing that my life will not be that fairly tale I imagined. There are some things one person can be diagnosed with and "win", unfortunately this is not the case for me.  Sure I can win in a different capacity, but ultimately, this disease is progressive and unforgiving.  I can win on a daily front, by being diligent with my treatments, working out, eating healthy and getting my rest.  I can win, by keeping a positive attitude in these negative, dark moments.  I can win by spending time with family and friends and simply enjoying the small pleasures in life.  Because in the end, that is what it is all about.

As each day comes I wake up thankful for everything I have.  Despite the grave seriousness of my condition, I get a much needed dose of laughter everyday just being with my husband, talking to my Mom and watching my silly little dogs.  I am constantly reminded of the love I have within my family, by simple calls to check in, or a quick email to say hi. I can't tell you how much those little things mean. So to those of you who show you care in those simplest ways, thank you.

As this holiday season is in full effect, I urge you all to be thankful for things that may seem ordinary to you.  Be thankful for your health, your friends and family.   Be thankful for your job and that you can push yourself at the gym, or cook for your family.  For it's these little things that some people aren't able to do, that long to. To you it may seem like a chore, to others it is a pure wish and dream.  Finally, be kind to others.  You never know what type of struggles they are enduring and how much a simple smile or "hello" will brighten their day.  As someone who simply struggles to breathe on a daily basis, I can say that a simple gesture of kindness goes a long way in my books :)